I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
