He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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