i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
