I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
