I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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