Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
