i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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