I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
