if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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