made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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