I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
