you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
