At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
