Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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