Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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