Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
