haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
