Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
