I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
