Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
