just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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