I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
