Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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