guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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