She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
