After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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