Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
