i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just invented taco cereal.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
