so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
