That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
is wine microwaveable?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
