i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
