She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
