The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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