Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
