Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
