You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
