And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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