i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A bitchslap is in order.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
