guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
