I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
