I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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