Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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