I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
