I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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