last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That was an excessively violent trivia night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
