just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I FOUND THE LEGS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
