remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
