my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
