Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
