So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
