Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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