stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
