I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
