You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
