the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
