We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
