I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
