Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need to align my fucking chakras
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
